I just want to run and hide

rarecandy @ 2007-01-08T14:15:00

2007-01-08T19:15:29Z

Eck!

New LJ

2005-10-15T03:30:19Z

Hey all. I have a new LJ. There are a few people who have the ability to read this that I would rather not deal with.

My new LJ is friends only.

Most of you will be added... Just comment OK!

...

2005-10-05T17:07:37Z

Its been nearly two weeks since my Moms transplant, and TODAY she finally started urinating. I am so glad that she finally is through the hardest part. Its been a long and scary road, but she is gonna be ok.

The worst part is that now she has to go to this "transplant house"

It cost 50 dollars a night. Cash. She has to be there for a month.

It doesnt even include food...

rarecandy @ 2005-09-22T19:38:00

2005-09-23T01:39:06Z

I am in denver.

My mom had her kidney transplant yesterday, and I will be here until Tuesday. I am gonna try and catch an eda meeting, see what I can get into here.

rarecandy @ 2005-08-29T14:19:00

2005-08-29T20:19:29Z

I feel like such a crap ass

It has finally happened

2005-08-20T19:31:38Z

Well, I have some really good news, and that doesnt happen very often.

My Mom is getting her kidney transplant on the 21st of Sept. So I will be in Denver for a while taking care of her and such. I am so glad that everything is finally working out for her. It pleases me.

Happy Birthday to Alyssa

2005-08-17T15:11:47Z

Well, Alyssa is officially one today! I cant believe its been a year already, it seems like just yesterday that I was pregnant. I was reading the Mommies thread on TF and damn, I posted in that when I was pregnant. Over a year ago...

Holy crap time flies...

Oh I found some tampons in a stray box last night, YAY!

SHIT

2005-08-17T01:59:08Z

Why is it that when things finally seem to be going good... BAM, it fucks itself up.

I have ten dollars in my pocket till the 24th, I have an 8th of a tank of gas, and I need tampons, which means I will go without tampons, because I have to get to work.

FUCK. I hate days like this. We will probably end up borrowing from Donna AGAIN, we owe here more money then I care to count, and it sucks, very very badly. I seem to be having more days like this then I can afford to have.

Plus, my T thinks that I am in the ED more severe then I should be appearantly, because of the recent weight loss of 30 pounds (2 months), not that it matters to anyone who reads this, but I may get commited because of it. I have a two hour "discussion" with the treatment team on the 25th, so wish me luck with that. I am trying to maintain, until then, I cant get commited now, Ive tried so hard to stay out of the hospital, Ive wasted 3 years of my life in it, I am done with the hospital.

Happy # 1

2005-08-15T16:20:20Z

Well we had Alyssa's first birthday party yesterday. It was pretty cool. Her birthday is actually on Wed. but since we wanted everyone to be there we had it on a Sun.

It was neat she made out better then I could have imagined (about 50 presents for a one year old) but it wasnt about the presents, it was about getting to see all the family, which was cool.

But once again my sister had to cause a big scene because she wasnt the center of attention. Which figures she did it at my wedding and at the baby shower. I am really sick of her.

I was pissed at her before this anyway because I was driving along one day, and she was with me, and she says "No one evre told me that last time Mom was sick she almost died"

I ripped into her. She is her daughter and didnt know, which she should of, she watched when my Mom became paralyzed because the infection was so severe, she heard the doctors say that she might not make it through the night. Shes to engrossed in her own life to care about anyone else. Which sucks, needless to say.

Myspace

2005-08-12T20:10:33Z

Some one should totally help me figure out myspace.

Internet Cafe

2005-08-11T20:04:23Z

They just opened this gaming thing in the mall here, and its like games and internet and all this other computer stuff. Well so thats where I am at.

My cat is sick, he has a severe upper respritory infection, and needs breathing treatments and medications, and cost more then I can really affors, thats the last time I go to the animal shelter for a pet.

I have been. Ok. I cant say its the best life in the world, but maybe it is improving, just maybe.

Ive purged 16 times in the last 3 days, but for some reason that isnt bothering me. It should be though.

YeeHaw

2005-07-29T17:39:48Z

We went to see Big and Rich last night. It was a total blast. There is this song, Holy Water, and James cried when they sang it. I think it hit home for him as to what he has been doing to me lately.

I dont know.

But anyways it was fun. And you wouldnt believe how small these guys are. They are real thin. and I was jealous. haha. But we were right next to the stage, and there was a small boy next to us, 8 or 9, and they pulled him on stage and gave him a mini kid sized guitar it was so cute!

And yeah that was that. It was fun

Sick

2005-07-19T16:25:59Z

I am so sick and tired of living like this. What do i do next. No one can help me it seems.

This sucks

2005-07-18T20:17:18Z

Happy Birthday to me, I want to die.

Shitassbitch

2005-07-11T20:05:54Z

So I am angry, very angry.

And I am not even sure why. I have a problem... These new meds are making it tons worse. I mean the suicidal thoughts and urges to SI are practically out of control, and I am spending my whole day fighting for sanity. I know its stupid but I sont want to feel like this.

James says he will leave me if I dont "grow up" and stop being depressed. Instead of caring, I yelled, if he wants me to stop being depressed, why doesnt he stop being schizophrenic. I think he doesnt understand that I cant help it. Same with the purging. Its like I want to stop, who likes puking all the time.

And then I was listening to evanesence (how cliche) and this song, it was so triggering, and it reminded me of the abuse that happened when I was five, and i hit repeat and the song just kept playing, and I was more then triggered, driving down the street bawling about it all.

I hate myself.

Suprise suprise

2005-07-08T20:42:19Z

Today actually hasnt been the worst day. Amazing but I am feeling a bit better. Although this sunburn is peeling and that is a pain in the ass. \

Is it wrong of me to be angry and jealous at someone who is able to get treatment and just is saying fuck it? Because I am. I really am angry.

Out of Control

2005-07-08T01:39:50Z

I wonder how long this will last. This feeling of emptiness and death like wonder.

I am so sick of throwing up yet even more sick of this body, this person that I am that I could almost just thisclose, I could give in, give up. I need something fast, but there is nothing there, Nothing to hold on to, nothing to reach for.

I am here in this wasteland of day old food, and unflushed puke. Here I am.

Tired

2005-07-02T22:18:33Z

I am so so tired of living. That doesnt mean I am gonna kill myself. It just means i am thinking about it. I am tired of all this shit. I appearantly have bipolar, but I am not sure that I agree with that. I have never been manic, or even hypomanic.

I am on 3 new medicines, Im not working which means I am seriously broke, which also means I am stressed. Stressed = more b/p. which I hate. hate. hate. And its not like mac and cheese is the best binge anyway dammit.

Im to tired to leave the house. But nowdays I cant destinguish tired from depressed...

crappola

2005-06-29T23:13:54Z

That is how today is going. I ran a red light, right next to a cop. Imagine that. He didnt stop me though.

Caution the rest may trigger****

So I have about 50 cuts on my arm. I told James last night. NO I didnt want to have sex, and he forced me. Literally. I then proceeded to get in the tub and have a hay day with the razor. Yes it was stupid. but now I am scared I cant keep doing this, I really cant. And I am afraid of what my therapist will say tommorow, Basically I am at a loss

Tired

2005-06-18T22:41:36Z

Im tired of being tired. Im tired of this bulimia shit I really really am...

rarecandy @ 2005-05-15T17:52:00

2005-05-15T23:53:45Z

rarecandy

I have taken ingenuelle thingy.. I am...... lets seeee

LIME GREEN

BLAH

2005-05-15T23:52:00Z

So yeah. I am super bored. But having a good tiime in TF Chat.

SHIT

2005-05-15T05:05:58Z

My Mom is in the hospital. I dont know what to do. I guess I am worried that she is going to die, which to be blatanly honest is quite possible. I am not trying to be some damn drama queen. I swear.

About 4 days ago she had this pain in her knee, nothing serious, just a pain. By midnight it had extended to her whole leg. The next day it was her leg and shoulder. It soon progressed to her whole left side. So we took her to the ER. They gave her some demerol and sent her home. The next morning it was even worse. She could hardly move. We told her to relax, she stayed in bed. It got to the point where she couldnt even move to go to the bathroom. We were changing her sheets 5 times a day.

Then yesterday morning. We tried to wake her, because she needed to go to dialysis. She couldnt hear us. She has this deafness. I cant explain it, plus she still couldnt move, eat, drink etc. So we called the ambulance to come get her. They took her to the ER, took some X-rays and sent her to dialysis. She still cant move at this time mind you. She is in a wheelchair just to get to the car and all that, we are having to lift her.

After dialysis they decided she was well enough to come home. She has a prescription for morphine, so we pick that up. It takes me 45 minutes to get her into the house. I have to carry her, and she is light, but I am weak. She cant hear, and is starting to lose her vision at that point.

This morning we notice this bubble on her chest that when we sit her up moves around and stuff. She moves to the couch, with our help of course. And passes out. Unconcious. What do we do. Call the hospital they tell us she is fine, just let her sleep it off.

So she sleeps, and sleeps and sleeps, while this bubble grows, and grows... So now she is in the ER again. My stepdad says they are moving her to a room. Finally.

Who knows whats wrong? Not me. All I know is in 3 weeks she was supposed to get the kidney transplant we have all been waiting for, and now she may not even be alive for it.

No wonder I cut...

Sigh

2005-05-03T00:39:55Z

Well tommorw is moving day, and it is going to be hectic. I have to load this van by myself, which is going to be a mess. And get to cheyenne, 7 hours away, from noon tommorow, HOW FUN! Then i start work at dillards on wednesday! AHHHH this will be hectic week.

I am just stressed at the moment. I need some serious hugs.

rarecandy @ 2005-04-26T18:15:00

2005-04-27T00:17:46Z

Damn this livejournal. I cant figure out why it wont take my pictures. I want it to though. Can anyone help me?